Who are you becoming?

Here I am, sitting on my bed as my cool, silk pillow supports my back and caresses my neck.  My window is open, the fresh Autumn breeze tickles my checks as the fading light of the afternoon gently rests on the sheets - slowly becoming dimmer as the cold dusk beckons.  Dustin O'Halloran's compositions inspire my thoughts and I am reminded of the words I once read in an old Kinfolk: "as people get older, they realise that time is more valuable than money.  And finding more time to do absolutely nothing is perhaps exactly what we all need." (Nikaela Marie Peters).  

I sit here with the last of my assessment (of the term) looming and stress not far behind - I AM FOCUSED.  When is it due?  What needs to be done?  I am constantly thinking about the work that needs to be done and about the profession I am going to enter into once I finish my degree. Professionalism, work and worry about whether I will actually be able to cope in "the real world" possess my brain and take over my thoughts and consume my time.  There have been several moments during my time of study (over the past three and a bit years) where I feel like I have lost myself -  lost my creativity and lost the dreams I used to have.  Goals of becoming someone who lives in constant creativity.  I feel like now is one of those times.  I remember the days when I was excited to create, to create things without pressure and without fear.  Perhaps as I have gotten older and learnt the ways of life, its intricacies and hardships, I became cynical towards the expression of creating.  Or perhaps I have become fearful of the creative life I once dreamed of having. 

One of my largest fears, is the fear of losing my imagination, thus losing my ability to create. At times, I know that I can feel this happening. I am afraid. I don't want that to be who I become.  

So, in an effort to bring back my 'old self', I am going to write a list of goals of who I want to be and stick it somewhere where I can see it, where I will be reminded every day of what I wish to achieve. 

- I want to be someone who creates without fear.

- to to be someone who is eager to learn - from university, from books, from others experiences. 

- to be someone who isn't afraid to ask questions.  

- someone who writes to evoke emotion and beautiful imageries. 

- I want to be someone who takes times for others, to reconnect with people and to be completely present when spending time with people. 

- someone who tends to a garden and has a house full of greenery, to take time to appreciate life and the beauty of it all. 

- someone who is affected and truly moved by the music they hear, to soak it in and let it fill every part of my body. To know what music feels like.

- I want to be someone who appreciates the importance of time - to remember that we have no control over it, that it is precious, and that we will never know when our time is 'up'.

Who are you becoming? Who do you want to be?  

There is no better time start, than now. 

☼

Irrational Fears and Conscious Decisions.

It is strange, going about your daily business when you are suddenly struck with the realisation that you are afraid of something completely irrational.  Recently I realised that I have several strange and clearly irrational fears - yet I can't help it (they make me so anxious). 

So here are my top four irrational fears depicted through pictures and words. 

1. Taxidermy animals. 

I don't know what it is, but going to museums make me crazy nervous. My main fear in this area is of taxidermy animals, but can also extend to mannequins in museum like set-ups. 

2. Aquariums.

This was recently brought up again when I went to a plant and aquarium shop. I don't know what it is, but having those tanks full of fish, towering around me makes me feel on edge. 

I know it's silly. 

3. Puffy eyes. 

This is a recent one, but I have become somewhat afraid of getting something in my eyes and having them puff up so much that I can't see. 

4. The dark. 

I feel like this is a somewhat common one, but I am afraid of the dark. I guess it's less of a fear of the dark, but what may be in the dark. Thankfully this fear has become less intense as I have gotten older and is something I am working on. 

I know, I know. I am odd and probably a little crazy, but I think it's good to remember that we all experience things differently and have different ways of viewing moments and situations - something I am trying to be more conscious of.  Because you never know what someone is going through, perhaps they have severe anxiety, maybe they are dealing with lots of stuff at home, perhaps they are absolutely terrified of spiders or have problems with trusting people.  What i'm trying to get at, is that we should be mindful of others and be respectful of where people are at, even when it's hard to understand.  

Oh! And remember, that going to the museum isn't everyone's idea of a 'fun day'. 

☼

My Poetic Account of Introversion.

Hello, my name is Genevieve and I am secretly an introvert - or so I thought, until recently. For years I had people telling me how I always seemed excited and in primary school teachers would regularly tell my parents how talkative I was (I think I was just happy all the time and didn't know how to hold it in).  This was a regular thing for people to comment on through out my primary and early high school years. Recently I have noticed that when I get super excited I cannot contain myself and will generally make an outward expression to that excitement.  Every now and then, I get these outward bursts of energy where I will say or write a lot (and can't hold back), will jump around or make frantic hand movements, or I will just make some squeaky noise of excitement.  

It is something that has become quite apparent to me lately - this outward expression of excitement. It's like my insides can't contain my excitement, so I have to physically do something to 'ease' the build up.  I try and make a conscious effort to not be so outward with my excitement (as I feel it's a tad overwhelming sometimes - especially in writing), although I am not always so successful and my excitement leaks out any way. But along with this realisation, I also became aware of my 'introverted-ness'.  I don't know what it is. Maybe I came to the realisation of how seemingly insignificant each individual life is, in the 'grand scheme of things', or maybe I watched too many "realistic" movies (where many are about true heartbreak, despair and loss), or have spent far too long in my room by myself, mulling over life. Whatever it is, I almost feel like a switch was flicked and I became aware of my surroundings and how crowded they sometimes felt. 

Over the years, I have mastered the skill of complimenting and encouraging strangers (and now I can't help it, I just love giving compliments), (sheepishly) asking strangers at parties if they would like their photo taken (when hired for parties/weddings), and have found it generally easy to strike up a conversation with someone who I am sitting next to on a train or someone I am being served by at a cash register. But every now an then I feel my true introverted self take over and I become timid, like a small mouse hiding in the corner, hoping not to be caught. 

It is that moment when everything seems to slow down, you can feel your emotions tuck themselves away and you have this sense as if you need to hide.  You start to become completely aware of your surroundings, as if you are an audience member at the theatre - the scene is stretched out before you and you start picking up on every tiny detail, every flaw, every movement, every eye watching you in the moment. Your voice quietens to a hush, your body becomes physically smaller. It is as if your retracting body can somehow hide within itself - as if you will then be out of the way (away from the seemingly huge crowd surrounding you). 

You become a shell - the fragment of your self that is left visible. What is there to do next? 

... This is almost exactly what happened to me today. I was out shopping with my parents and grandma. It was a beautiful, crisp day and I was happy to be with my family. Then came the moment where I had to make a decision (which seems silly, but it was a decision I wanted to make carefully). I don't know what it was, whether I felt pressured, like I didn't want to disappoint anyone, or I felt out of my element and a little overwhelmed, but it happened.  I quietly said "thank you" to the lady helping us and stepped outside the store. To my surprised, I started to cry. I felt so embarrassed for crying, but I didn't know what else to do. It was as if crying was my body's automatic response. What I was most surprised about, was that nothing of this sort had ever happened to me before. I am not one for shutting down when making decisions (although I do find decision making hard) and am certainly not one for crying in public (i'm not one to show many of the sadder emotions to others). 

This was the most publicly introverted I had been. 

So, I am here letting you know that I am definitely more introverted than I sometimes let on and I am okay with that. Being an introvert isn't a bad thing - it just means that you're more likely to sit back and observe while others take the reins. Being introverted means that you take in more of your surroundings, you are happy to sit quietly and notice the small things that others moving quickly may not.  

The act of being introverted is almost poetic. Almost romantic - although it should not be romanticised.  

Being who you truly are and being happy in that, is one of the most poetic, romantic, beautiful things of all. 

☼

Expectations vs. Reality

... That moment when your expectations don't meet reality, and your insides feel shattered. (Don't worry, we have all been there). 

*A few hours earlier* you're sitting there, this perfect image in your mind - you can picture it - your perfect scenario.  As things start to pan out, your perfect plan goes askew. Reality hits! The perfect ideal that you had in your head fades to dust and reality snarls it's ugly teeth. 

Thankfully, reality isn't always as bad as it seems (or now how you may imagine it to be). BUT SOMETIMES reality is even better than your expectations! 
It's like when you're climbing a mountain.  If you're planning to climb a mountain you know it's going to be hard, but you also know that it's going to be well worth it. 
So you go, and climb the mountain. 
The expectation of climbing the mountain exceeds itself - it happens to be more difficult than you remember (as you then realise that you're not as fit as you thought you were).  But then in reality, the expectation of reaching the top of the mountain is also exceeded - far greater than you ever expected. This time, reality is better than you ever hoped or imagined. 

A few weeks ago myself, Sav and Lesley went on a road trip to meet our new friend Becky in a little place called Macksville, just past Coffs Harbor. For a while, Sav and Lesley have been pen-pals with Becky and I have been 'friends' with her via Instagram. During the holidays Becky was camping with family in Macksville, which was significantly closer to where we live, to where she usually lives. So we decided to take the opportunity to finally meet her! 

Sav and I stayed at Lesley's the night before, as we had planned an extremely early morning. Although it did not go to plan... of course.
It was about 1am when we went to bed, still expecting to leave at 3:30am.  
It was dark, barely morning and (to my disgust) the alarm went off... again, and again. I opened my eyes, waited a moment, but no one  seemed to be up (or planned to get up). The alarm was set to "snooze" and we rolled back to sleep... when all of a sudden, the alarm went off! Wait! The sun is up!? *reality hits* It's 6am and we are only just waking up. Already our expectations were sinking. 

We knew there was a long drive ahead (approximately 5/6 hours), so we set off with high hopes. Everything seemed to be going well until we hit the highway before Woolgooga. Reality hit. We ended up being stuck in completely stopped traffic for several hours. 
By the time we finally reached Macksville, the travel time had doubled (arriving after 10 and a bit hours later). Our expectation of waking up early, arriving around 9am had now turned into a 10 hour drive, leaving us tired and ready for the day to start (figuratively speaking, as it was 4pm). 

With meeting Becky, I am sure we all had something in mind to what we thought would happen, but I don't know if it matched up to any of our expectations. 
Moments after we parked the car, Becky and her little sister walked up to us with beautiful smiles on their faces. The afternoon proceeded, as we went to the tiny antique stores and op shops and got ice cream! It was great and filled with all the joy that comes along with the consumption of ice cream! 

Later that afternoon we went to the beach, which was far beyond my expectations. It was stunning. We went for a swim in the ocean, which was enormously refreshing, and then went exploring (one of my favourite things to do). 

I couldn't help but take a few snaps. 

(She had the most amazing eyes!)

38.57. Becky, a photo by Genevieve Althea on Flickr.

(My favourite photo) 

We ended up camping with Becky and her family. Which again, exceeded my expectations. After a scrumptious dinner, we sat around singing Daughter and Paper Kites songs. My heart was so happy. No expectations could of prepared me for the afternoon we had. It was just beautiful. 

So in conclusion, never worry about whether your expectations will ever meet reality, because sometimes they will be more. Much more. 
☼ 

Tremendously Passionate.

"Find something you are passionate about and keep tremendously interested in it." ~ Julia Child

Hello there beautiful people!
So I have been thinking (as I do) about having a passion and what that means. 
The technical definition is pretty spot on - 

pas·sion  

/ˈpaSHən/

Strong and barely controllable emotion. A state or outburst of such emotion.  I know that I have definitely felt passion before - passion for photography, for family and friends and a passion for God.  Lately I have really noticed my passion for photography. I think it is something that has been building up for quite some time, but it has finally become "serious".  It truly occurred to me when I was out shopping with my parents, and usually a normal girl would be super into the shopping - but not me. In that moment, I was talking to several photographers - sharing opinions, dreams and ideas; as well as planning out my next shoot (which is on my Flickr) as well as checking my emails about a photography project coming up in a few months as well as checking my Flickr for updates... My mind is consumed by photography!  Even in my dreams, I do and think about photography.  I think that having a passion is something we all need - something to drive us, to give us something to strive towards, to work at and do better at, and finally, something to feel proud about.  I know I mention it a lot, but I cannot stress how important it is to have encouragement and support behind you, and your passion. For me, that came from 1. my friends and family and 2. from Flickr. It makes me excited that some of the Flickr people have become my friends also. Like this morning, I got to Skype one of my (kind of) new Flickr friends in America. It was such a happy moment. Confessing "I can't believe this is real life" with him replying "you bet it is real" (or something along those lines). It blows my mind that I can message/text friends from all over the world, let alone see and hear them. My passion is not just a passion now, but a huge part of my life. AND I AM HAPPY!  Always remember, even when things get hard, if you find yourself comparing your passion to others with the same or similar passion/interest, and if you just feel a bit down your passion; know that we all go through times like this, and that there will be people around you who will want to encourage you - those who can see your potential, even when you can't see it! (top tip: surround yourself with those people!!!)  And always remember:  What I am listening to: Blumenthal - Ulrich Schnauss. This song was sent to me by my wonderful and talented friend Cameron (please check out his work).  The first time I heard this song, I realised that magic moments really do happen in real life.  Just remember, you are wonderful, and worth more then you realise.  And always, do what makes YOU happy! ☼

Wondering and Wandering.

Hello there.  So I have been thinking (as I do a lot) and a few things have popped into my head. 

1. That we are all searching... All searching for a place to belong, a place where we feel wanted, searching for who we are, for THE answer.  We are all searching for love - whether we know it or not.  (We just need to know what we're looking for and where to start looking). 

2. Really, we are all a little crazy. I used to think that I was the only one - but then I realised that the reason I thought it was only me was because we're all crazy in different ways. 

3. That we are rather privileged. If you are reading this (as it is via the internet), then you are privileged! Such a blessing to live in the time we live in, in the places we live in. 

4. That we are all a little adventurous. That we crave adventure and exploration, and all have the longing to capture memories.  

5. That we are all kind of lonely. Sometimes when we're surrounded by people (even hundreds of people) we could be the loneliest we have ever been. But also, that we all long for companionship. (Well most people do). 

6. That kindness is more common then I remembered.  I have recently been amazed by the kindness of some people (I will mention it below). But the fact that people would go out of their way, for some one they don't even know properly. Just beautiful 

7. That words are powerful! So be careful of what you say, and especially of what you write - I feel that there is a lot of power in writing.  When talking to someone, you usually think about what you are going to say before you say it: the thought goes from your heart, to your head, to your mouth.  But when writing something it usually goes straight from your heart to the paper - which can be a brilliant thing, as it can help us to say things that we wouldn't usually say aloud. But could also be detrimental. Especially in today's society, where social media is so easily accessed and is so instant. So much so, I doesn't give you much of a chance to mull over the words you are saying/typing. 

8. The fact that we have all experienced life differently, and that through the things we have experienced, we can learn, grow and help each other. But also - that more people may have experienced similar things to us than we realise. (especially the hard things in life). 

... Just some of my thoughts. 
(I decided to cull them down, and only put up a few for easy reading haha). 



- So, I have recently made friends with some beautiful people in America (yes, they happen to be incredible photographers, from Flickr. You can see their work here and here).  But it has made me even more excited of the possibility of going to America to meet them! I cannot wait to go on adventures with them and take photos with and of them!  
They were even so kind as to offer their homes as a place to stay, while I am visiting. When I heard this, I couldn't believe it! The kindness of some people just astounds me - I mean, the fact that they are kind enough to offer such a thing, and they haven't even met me yet... Such generosity. Such kind hearts. 


Also, I have decided that since I love writing letters so much, that I am going to write letters to as many people as I can!
So, if you would like to receive a letter from me, just email your name and your postal address to genevieve.althea@yahoo.com.au 
No matter where in the world you live, I will try to send a letter to you! (even if there is 100 of you that want letters, I will try my best to send them to all who want them). 
I am excited to see what happens! 
☼

Alone with Deep Thoughts.

So for the past few weeks, I have been at home, alone.  The majority of the time I have been at home by myself - giving me a lot of time to think.  Been thinking about all sorts of things.  Like responsibilities, relationships, family, friends, photography, and things from my last assignment, like my coping mechanisms, strengths and weaknesses, social roles and overall what makes me, me!  And I dare say, it was really nice to have time (completely) by myself, to think things through.  Although, it has also given me time to think about other things as well.  

It gave me way to think about some of the more negative things.  And I know for a fact, that when we think about these negative things, it can feel like we are the only person in the world who is experiencing this, that "no one would ever understand".  I guess one of the main things I have been feeling down about, is my photography (this photo kind of depicts how I was feeling).  Being surrounded by so many incredible photographers (who are doing so well at it), I started taking a second look at my photos, re-analysing them; but through eyes of harsh judgement and sadness. I thought of ways that I could change my photography style  - y'know to 'fit in' and maybe get a bit more noticed in the "commercial world".  But I couldn't shake it.  I just enjoy creating this (slightly darker looking) fine art/conceptual style that I had become so fond of.  

I also realised that I was not the only one feeling like this. 

- I was scrolling through Facebook, when I saw a post that one of the Flickr photographers (I quite admire) had posted.  He said: 

"I've said it a million times but I'm feeling particularly out of the circuit lately. Please, do not ever push yourself to change your artistic style to fit what is popular. Do what satisfies you, do what makes you feel whole. You don't need favorites or likes or comments or views for your art to complete you. Please just don't lose sight of what feels right in exchange for what everyone else tells you is right."  ~ Steven Sites Photography

It made me realise that we all go through a time when we feel unsure of ourselves (or our creativity).  But that we shouldn't give up or give in - that we all have our own style, and that we shouldn't change it for anyone even if it feels like the easy way out. 

So, I have re-looked at this whole situation and rediscovered it for what it is.  A blessing in disguise.  It has made me realise that we aren't all the same, and that we shouldn't create to please others, but to create because it's our passion and it's what we love.  As well as the fact that those we surround ourselves with (even if they are ridiculously talented at the same things as you) shouldn't be a hindrance to your work, but an encouragement!  People to help you through these tough times, and to inspire you! 

So here I am, (still dealing with some things, but) unashamed of my photography! (Please check out my Flickr) And I would like to say "don't be afraid to be yourself, and to create freely without judgement".  

☼

The Small Things.

I have been thinking a bit about noticing the small things lately - and how we take so much for granted.  Like in the movie Amélie, the main character (Amélie) decided to cultivate a taste for small pleasures, such has dipping her hand into sacks of grain, cracking créme brulée with a teaspoon, and skipping stones at St Martin's Canal. 

And really, I think we should all take a leaf out of her book.  And as that saying going "stop and smell the roses".  Although it's rather cheesy, I do believe they're right.  Even if you don't actually stop, but notice the small things while you're on the go.  

I try to keep this as my mentality, as it really does help you to appreciate everything around you - the things you have and the people in your life.

But, to refresh my appreciation, I have written a list of the small things I enjoy: 

Joy - (start with a couple of big things) but joy, not just the happy feeling you get when everything is good, but true joy!  The overwhelming sense you experience when things are truly grand.

Friendship - the friendship of those around me, especially those who are close to me.  No words can properly explain the gratefulness to have friends who accept me, for me.  And not just their friendship in general, but the small things they do to keep me accountable help me become a better version of myself (even without noticing they're doing it). 

Rain - first of all I probably most enjoy the way it makes things look, the trees and grass look greener and colours just look richer and more full of life.   As well as the smell.  I mean, who doesn't love that smell! (and good thing, considering it's been raining quite a lot lately)

Mail - there is this line for the movie 'Paul Blart, Mall Cop' and it's when the interrogator asks Paul Blart's daughter for her cell phone.  She confesses she doesn't have one, and then says "I prefer hand written sentiments".  To which I agree to 100%.  There is something special about letters, maybe because it is such a rare thing now that technology is insanely advanced.  But the excitement of first receiving mail, and then writing a reply, getting to use my wax seal (which I will also mention), then waiting in anticipation for the receiver's reply, then repeating the process.  I currently have two fairly constant "pen pals".  One of whom lives in China.  I think receiving mail from her is one of my favourite things - the excitement of stories being exchanged across countries, as well as the fact that she is sitting on the other side of the world, and has taken the time to write the letter by hand and not just using the internet.  I must also add, as much as I love receiving letters, there is nothing more exciting then receiving a package!  (especially if it also includes a letter). The excitement of unwrapping the package to reveal the joy it contains inside. Seriously the best. 

Wax Stamps - obviously, I love the moment after you've pressed your stamp onto the puddle of wax and lift it up - just to see the perfectly shaped embossing of your stamp.  I also love the smell of the wax as it's melting onto the envelope. 

Blankets (especially super soft ones) - okay, this sounds silly.  But I love the feeling of being all snuggled up in a cosy blanket.  Even if that means I need to turn my fan onto full blast on a (even just slightly) cool day, just so I can wrap myself up into a cocoon of blankets (only emerging for food).  

That moment when you take the perfect photo - if it's the perfect timing or just the perfect shot, in the perfect location, in the perfect situation or you are just extremely happy with a photo.  What ever and where ever it is, no matter how many times you see it, it just makes you so happy (and excited) about photography.  And it can remind you that you should keep going, even when things get tough. 

The sound cameras make when the shutter goes off - okay, so I understand that this probably won't make sense to the majority of people.  But that sound when you press the shutter button down - pure satisfaction. (also, I found a video of different shutter sounds. I can't believe it's a thing!)

The smell of freshly baked bakery items - I don't know what it is, but freshly baked goods tingle the senses. (and usually makes you hungry). 

Empty cinemas - not that I got to the cinema much anymore, but the feeling of freedom - that you can laugh as loud as you want, make obvious comments without being judged and  large array of chairs you can chose from (and get the perfect seat/view). 

Lighting matches - so i'm not the biggest fan of people playing with fire, but I do love lighting matches.  I love the second right after you strike the match and the flame flares up, as wells as the smell of matches/candles after you blow them out.  

Smiles - I love when you are out and about and someone's smile just catches your eye.  Whether it be directed at you or not.  I think it's important to smile.  This is probably weird, but sometimes I like to flash a quick smile to strangers, especially if they're looking a bit down in the dumps.  One other thing I love, is when people smile while reading books or text messages.  I don't know what it is, but seeing people happy makes me happy.  

Encouragement/Compliments - well, of course I think encouragement in general is super important.  But giving someone random encouragement as well as compliments is super important.  I LOVE giving out encouragement and compliments, especially to strangers.  Although, it has become quite a habit and I do it without thinking (but I guess that's not a bad thing) and sometimes I will give out a zillion compliments in a day.  I have had a few people compliment about how much I give encouragement and compliments. (mind you I am terrible at taking compliments. person: "compliment". me: "oh, um, thanks" *awkward feeling*.  

But I think making the effort to encourage and compliment people is important, it's something we should all do.  Because for all we know, that was exactly what the person needed to hear.  So I strongly urge you to give it a go, because it will not only make that person feel good, but you will also feel good! Trust me!

Live music - I have written about this before in my other blog.  But I absolutely love the atmosphere of live music.  For me, it feels like home.  I love just closing my eyes and soaking in the sound; let it flow through my body, tingle my ears and resinate in my bones. 

The way certain songs make you feel - i'm not sure if this happens for everyone, but for me I can get so caught up in the emotion of a song, or the way the certain song makes me feel.  Like seeing someone get so emotional over a song, or putting so much of their self into a song, or when there is a basis and meaning behind the delivery of the song.  I am very easily affected by music, any small change in pitch or tonality can really get to me.  Oh boy, can it get to me. 

There are so many other things I could list off, like dancing crazy in a public place, life changing stories exchanged with strangers, the way the sun looks as it's setting after a cloudy/overcast day and how the rays of light disperse across the sky through a big fluffy cloud, and the moments of realisation we sometimes get, and the remembering of things you had forgotten or were trying to remember.  But I will stop for now, or I will just be rambling on forever.  

I would also like to say that my Facebook Page for my photography is up and running!  So I would be so, so grateful if you would go and check it out and possibly like it.  

What I am listening to: is the Glee version of Let Me Love You.  

And I know what you're thinking - "uh glee".  But seriously, I would almost have to say that this is almost (a lot) better then the original (sorry if that offends any of you).  But in all honesty, I have listened to it practically on repeat for the past few days.  There is just something about it, and the guy has a lovely voice. 

☼